Unfulfilled Promises

By MISS KITTY — Feb. 5, 2010

Dear Miss Kitty,

If someone says they will do something, and they don’t, is it because they never wanted to in the first place? All I can think is that this is the case with my husband. He frequently says he will do something, and then doesn’t. He always has a logical reason, forgot, works, etc. Maybe I am just being too harsh, since he is a really good guy, but it is frustrating. What can I do to make him follow through on his words?

Sarah, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Sarah,

As Valentine’s draws ever closer I would suggest that you banish the word “make” from your vocabulary pronto. Using Hallmark as a reasonable guide for what we can and can’t do, there is no line of cards presently available that use entreat or appeal, let alone implore, as a theme. Even hidden among cards that sing and cards that make ones stomach acid churn faster than a three day old burrito, the S and M division of Hallmark has yet to be created. And with good reason: both covert coercion and upfront demands will both eventually be rendered useless. No one can really make anyone do anything, Alfred Hitchcock movies aside.

So if we can’t get anywhere making someone else behave is there nothing left to do but put a cigarette in a long ebony holder and indulge in a morose but pouty posture hoping for a close up? Could such theatricals elicit a useful response? Health concerns aside, no one is likely to do anything except bring you a cocktail circa 1930 and let you get on with it. If you want to be alone, this foray into the pout zone will guarantee it.

So how can we make good decisions in our present moments if we are doing so without a leading man or women holding our hand, when we want them to? Let alone taking the garbage out into the sunset? Sometime looking backwards is the fastest way to go forward. Fast forward that is. When someone makes agreements and promises, casual or otherwise and consistently breaks them, the pattern is set. Like going around a board (or shall we say bored game) that is no longer fun to play. Regardless of the issue, forgetfulness, lack of time or some other innocuous reason, the reality is that someone is saying yes when they mean no, or more likely when they don’t know what they mean.

Although sometimes charged with being an unforgiving feline, pattern behavior is an easy to read sign, like STOP and GO. There is never any doubt that there is a problem lurking underneath that easily said but never completed “yes”. As any horror movie buff knows, something hidden will eventually raise its frightening head and bite the nether regions.

A quickie response that isn’t entirely true doesn’t leave anyone lingering in happiness for long. A quickie yes, is never as good as a long, thought out “Certainly”. Taking one’s sweet time to answer even a simple request is the antidote to apathetic affirmations. Another remedy is making sure that the occasional “No’s” are heard with a red-carpet-worthy smile and no hidden animosity. Part and parcel of saying yes when one means no, is the fear that a straightforward, “No”, will not be accepted. The most effective way to get a real yes, that can be followed though with action, is cultivating a safe place for “No’s”.

Darling Sarah, Boys and Girls: if expectations are premeditated disappointments, then unfulfilled promises are what are better off being left on the cutting room floor. The pictures that are our lives are better off without all the images that disappointment and lack of faith conjure up. Therefore, try rewriting the script to better serve the entire cast - and maybe you and yours will win the Oscar of Love.

Have a naughty day!

Melanie Doctors aka Miss Kitty is the owner and chief bra fitter at Purrmission Lingerie at 18 W. Calle Laureles. Email her at help@dearmisskitty or come by the shop Monday-Saturday 10-6 for a chat!

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Dear Sarah : 2/5/2010

It's called passive-aggressive behavior.

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: 2/6/2010

Too many run-on sentences. Way too verbose. Cut out half of the words and please return with a better essay.

Your Composition Teacher

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