It takes two to tango

By MISS KITTY — Mar. 12, 2010

Dear Miss Kitty,

My future mother in law is driving me crazy over the details of my wedding. I am not marrying her so why won’t she leave it alone?

Sandy, SANTA BARBARA,

Dear Sandy,

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver, cheap and readily available.

Dear Miss Kitty,

I went on a great date last week. We had a wonderful dinner and ended up talking until 3am! We laughed, listened to each other and honestly, it felt like we had known each other for years. I felt like I was falling in love on the first date. Now she isn’t returning my calls or emails. I really don’t get it and it isn’t the first time. I go on these extraordinary dates and then the woman drops me. Why don’t they want to see me again after such a great time?

David S, SANTA BARBARA

Dear David,

Be it Tinker Toys or Skipper dolls, once upon a time, something had the ability to enthrall us for hours. Long before considering breakfast we would think nothing of building an imposing fort or changing Skipper’s outfit at least twelve times. In fact, stopping to consume a bowl of Cheerios was nothing but a big fat nuisance. No one thinks much about a kid that walks, talks and is living the Sea Monkey dream, but as we grow to some level of maturity we should be able to moderate the intensity that we feel for the Sea Monkeys and the time we want to spend with them. More is not always a good thing.

Although there are plenty of interesting women out there, when someone can go on so many AMAZING dates, they really should shut up shop and head to the tables in Vegas. Because truth be told, the dating odds just aren’t that good. So with a more normal win / loss ratio in mind, couldn’t it be possible that these “extraordinary” dates have more to do with chasing a feeling than chasing a woman? If “they” are not interested in a second date - let alone a phone call - perhaps the pleasure was rather one-sided?

Each time a ritual is repeated the brain makes more and more solid connections between the activity and the pleasure centers. Pleasure centers being part of the brain, not a massage parlor in Ventura! Trust me on this, your brain is not always rationally thinking of your best interests. Once a pattern is set, doing anything other than this now-ingrained pattern of behavior feels wrong, maybe even painful. So when a string of unbelievably fantastic dates turn into enough rope to hang the entire James Gang, perhaps it isn’t “them” - it could be your addiction to love. Be it antique stamps, booze or Skipper dolls; anything that someone needs for the temporary obliteration of reality in exchange for pure pleasure is an addiction.

If we stick with one thing and repeat, repeat and repeat, then the memory of the pleasure associated with the activity is intensified until it becomes an obsession. Caught up in the imagined pleasure of the date, it is impossible to pay attention to the reality of the evening. Being that people tend to be on their best behavior during a first date, it isn’t a surprise that “they” don’t show more than a hint of indifference if not outright surprise that an almost perfect stranger is “falling’ for them. Blinded by

Illusory bliss, how could a love addict see that the intense emotions surging around are only swelling within one needy heart?

Although it seems that there is no way around this conundrum the brain can, with some guidance, allow for release from the hold that love addiction has. It is hard to beat the high from the intense feelings generated from the exiting newness and the possibilities of a new person. However, if this high is felt more than a few times in a lifetime (if that) it isn’t really love.

Darling David, Boys and Girls, knowing that perfection has been found on a first date is impossible. Thinking an exquisite relationship could be is in the realms of reality; however is. It really does take two to tango. The way to happiness and contentment is to love the self first and stop looking for love in every face you see. Once you find inner peace, even if it tends to come and go a bit, then you can share your amazing self with another. ‘The One” in a million is you – and once you realize that you are free to find another “The One”.

Have a naughty day!

Melanie Doctors aka Miss Kitty is the owner of Purrmission Lingerie at 18 W. Calle Laureles. Come by the shop Monday-Saturday 10-6 for a chat or email her at help@dearmisskitty.com

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: 3/12/2010

I fell in love on a first date once. We also talked until 3:00 a.m. or so. Turned into a very passionate relationship. Turned out he was faking it, pretending to be the person I wanted, not being himself. When I figured this out a year later after having an engagement ring on my finger, I broke it off. Who wants deception? And it always unravels anyway. I agree with Miss Kitty–if they don't call back then it wasn't as good for them as it was for you. Shame people can't be genuine and honest with their feelings. I'd rather know I was great to hang out with but not a potential lover, than to think they were truly fascinated and we clicked.

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: 3/12/2010

Oh, and my final point to the last post is: "It's their issue, not mine". Hold your head high and keep looking. She'll hang on tight when you find her.

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talking to 3 AM = love at first night!! : 3/14/2010

Or is that love at first bite? Thanks for clearing my problems up now I can go on dates and won't even bother to shave or wash .. they might as well know me as the slob I am so they won't be disappointed!

David S.

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