Rats in the laboratory of love

By MISS KITTY — Mar. 19, 2010

Dear Miss Kitty,

I hate my BF!!!! What should I do? What should I do next?

K. SANTA BARBARA

Dear K,

Take this paper, find a mirror and read what you asked me 13 times to your reflection. If the mirror doesn’t answer you back, dump him.

Dear Miss Kitty,

I have dated many women via on- line dating services. I notice that most write that they need “chemistry” for a relationship to go anywhere. Please explain why this “chemistry” matters so early in the game. For me what happens between the ears is what counts before what happens between the sheets. Being a thinking man, I prefer to think of dating as more like calculus than chemistry.

T.D. Solvang

Dear T.D,

Amidst all the dot-com dating sites, the savvy rub shoulders alongside the newly initiated. The courageous bait the hook, bring in the catch and grapple with the e-harvest. Even with pounds of potential, “chemistry” cannot be truly assessed at this early point. There are so many ways to measure it: Does chemistry ever show up as a dreamy e-mail? Is chemistry the bar when it comes to hopping into another date? Is chemistry an all or nothing proposition? Can it be determined by thinking: “If this man/women kissed me goodnight would I like it or have to run to the bathroom and rinse my mouth out?” Yes, chemistry in the laboratory of e-dating matters, and it is every bit as complex as that high school class with the beakers.

On -line dating is only one way to meet people and truth be told, it doesn’t take much effort. One posts a hopefully well-written profile and picture that is recent and decent. Sometimes one needs to Hemingway said profile or Photoshop said picture if the response is not up to snuff. However, there is no way to gauge the elusive chemistry until face-to-face contact occurs. A profile is only a crafted marketing piece designed as a net - to catch anything that might work. Like the commercial fishing industry, if it isn’t big enough, one can always throw it back.

When we meet a person, in the first few seconds (some claim 6 is the magic number) you can usually feel that sparkly magic. Sometimes, it’s just nervous gas. It does not mean (note to guys here) that your date wants to jump into bed with you. Just that she'd be OK with a kiss. Far more has to happen before most women and some men will feel the level of intimacy that would allow for anything more. This is when when your calculus skills come in handy.

Just in case my readers did not think calculus was worth thinking about (or that anyone who writes fluff would know it) remember that it involves how things change and often it is the rate of change that is critical in a relationship. Too slow and one can miss the fishing boat. Too fast and the fish get scared off. The timing for everyone involved has to feel right before the real magic of love or passion can step in and integrate two differential people into one relationship.

Dating on-line is not easier than when couples met on a dance floor at the high school gym. It is just faster now, and in many ways that makes it harder. We can be so caught up the drama and excitement of it all we forget that the social “niceties” are really a way to take the time to take it all in. Chemistry isn’t always there right away, and sometimes chemistry is standing right behind scared. It sometimes takes a slow reaction for chemistry to feel comfortable enough to come out and play.

Mr. D you've got most of the idea right and you sound like a fine fellow in my book. Take your time and think of dating more like taking a walk through a beautiful garden. Some of the flowers look fantastic but don't have a perfume, others smell great but are not gorgeous to look at and some are just perfect from the get go.

Darling Mr. D, Boys and Girls, there is no simple way to meet the love of your life or equation to make dating fool-proof. One can look for what seems like forever, trying many different mixtures of ingredients and find no one - or unexpectedly and mysteriously the right combination of elements are mixed and someone appears as though presented to you by destiny. Just remember that we are all rats in the laboratory of love, and the process of getting to the final formula should be fun and experienced to the fullest.

Have a Naughty Day!

Melanie Doctors, aka Miss Kitty is the owner of Purrmission Lingerie at 18 W. Calle Laureles. Email her at help@dearmisskitty.com or stop by the shop Monday-Saturday 10-6 for a chat!

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