Celebrate Ghoul Times - Come On!

By MALCOLM FLESCHNER — Oct. 29, 2009

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Most holidays have something to recommend them, particularly

the ones we get to skip work for, but Halloween is easily my favorite. For one

thing, it's non-denominational, so members of all religions can enjoy Halloween

equally. Oh, sure, there are some scolds who worry that celebrating Halloween

will start children down the path toward Satanism and black magic. But

realistically, that's like saying that playing the game Operation will start

children down the path toward performing invasive surgical procedures on one

another.

As a parent, I also appreciate that Halloween doesn't require openly lying to

my children. This is a stark contrast with, say, Christmas, when we ask kids to

swallow an implausible story about an elf who violates all the laws of physics

to deliver toys to the boys and girls of the world while asking nothing in

return except some vague directions about "being good." Then a few

months later Easter arrives, and we tell kids that, for reasons unknown, a

giant rabbit wearing a bow tie will commemorate the death and resurrection of

Jesus Christ by distributing - sure, why not? - candy-filled plastic eggs. And

worst of all is Thanksgiving with that fantasy we peddle about the Native

Americans being so delighted by a bunch of pilgrims in funny hats invading their

lands and spreading smallpox that they all got together to enjoy a giant feast

and watch the Detroit Lions play football.

Not that Halloween is perfect. I acknowledge that the holiday sends children a

mixed message. For 364 days a year parents tell kids that candy is bad for

them, that it rots their teeth, that if they want a snack they can help

themselves to the rice crackers that have been in the pantry since the Clinton

Administration, etc. But come October 31, not only are the kids entitled to all

the "treats" they can wheedle from their neighbors, but we tacitly

agree that any party poopers who try to hand out raisins instead deserve to

spend November 1st cleaning toilet paper out of their trees.

Thankfully, most of us make it clear to our kids that Halloween is the only

holiday when parenting rules get thrown out the window. This way we avoid

having to answer uncomfortable questions about when our children might expect

to enjoy Who Cares About Sharing Day, Go Ahead And Play In Traffic Day and, of

course, International Running With Scissors Day.

Halloween's also great because the fun isn't restricted to kids. After all, on

what other day are we adults allowed to terrify the scores of children who show

up at our door, and then dress up and head out to party the night away in

costumed debauchery? Women, in particular, seem to appreciate the

inhibition-abandoning opportunity Halloween affords, which explains why you see

so many revealing versions of traditional female costumes these days, including

such popular outfits as sexy she-devil, sexy nurse, sexy Secretary of State,

etc.

For us guys who, for reasons of age, weight or societal standards, are barred

from wearing revealing costumes, figuring out what to wear for Halloween can be

daunting. Particularly at this late date, it's tough to come up with a really

good costume, which is why so many of us give in to the inevitable by again

going as "Guy Who Couldn't Come Up With A Costume Idea, Except Maybe To

Put On A Hat." But guys, don't do it! Instead, take my advice and cull

through recent pop culture events to find an easy yet creative costume idea.

Some suggestions:

- Buy a bald wig, use a Sharpie to mark it up with curlicues, put on a pair of

big sunglasses, grab a bottle of Hennessey and a microphone and voila - you're

Kanye West! For added authenticity, go around the party grabbing drinks out of

people's hands and saying, "I'm a let you finish this Miller Lite, but

Budweiser is the best beer of all time!"

- Become the Balloon Boy by punching two leg-sized holes in the bottom of a

refrigerator box and then staying hidden inside as you circulate through the

party. Intermittently call out, "Can I come out now, Dad? We're doing this

for a show, right?" Vomiting optional.

- Don a loud, ugly T-shirt and a pair of cargo shorts, then affix your face

with a blank look and you'll be instantly transformed into sad sack reality

show dad Jon Gosselin. To complete the costume, pull out your empty pockets

(hat tip to my cousin Kazia for this touch).

Not to leave the ladies out, in a pinch you can grab a bunch of slings, insert

eight plastic baby dolls and go as the Octomom. Just one request - please don't

"sexy up" this particular costume - eight is enough, after all.

Send Malcolm (quickly!) your even better ideas for cheap

Halloween costumes by emailing him at Malcolm@CultureShlock.com

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Hard to read : 10/29/2009

The formatting and bold text of this article makes it a little hard to read. Can someone fix? And...also...are you trying to tell me that Santa isn't real???

SBRes

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Halloween : 11/5/2009

Back in the '80s a federal judge ruled that homeless people were entitled to vote, even though they had no permanent address. Many street folk registered c/o the "address" of the Moreton Bay Fig Tree here in Santa Barbara; before it was fenced off, it sheltered dozens at any given time. I folded and glued a big piece or cardboard into a mailbox shape, complete with openable door on one end and a US flag to raise and lower signalling incoming and outgoing mail. Painted it grey, and stenciled the address of the fig tree on it; wore it sideways, with a cutout on the bottom to get it over my head and another cutout on one side for my face to stick out. Put a sample ballot inside the door for the curious. Most morons thought I was supposed to be a hammerhead shark; seriously, how many sharks have a street address painted on their heads?

Greg Mohr

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